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Where are the guys who are in tune with their higher self?
Who seek meaning and truth in their lives?
Who view women as individuals, not as a "chick" "hottie" "cutie" or some other sexual object?
Where are the guys who tune in to their feelings as well as others?
Where are the guys who love natural beauty?
Who turn away from girls who hide behind masks?
Who can question the roles society gives us?
Who can love my legs when i haven't shaved them for months?
Are my standards too high?
I can't lower them without hating myself for it, I won't sell out my convictions or become less idealistic.
I love alone, however, i'm very grateful for the friends and family who share or accept my view.
I never thought I would quote sex and the city but...
"Some people are settling down, some people are settling, and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies."
I don't quite know what Carrie was referring to because i got the quote off some website, but i think of butterflies as a symbol of rebirth, transformation, beauty, and the soul." |
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I question life way too much. I don't believe in reincarnation or life after death, so it's hard to see what this life is all about. Why am I living, why am I learning, growing, loving, creating if in the end everything is nil. I'm not sucidal by any means, just wondering what humans are here for...any insight, ideas, opinions?Current Mood:  anxious |
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America West flight 815, 11/23 I arrive in Oakland at 9:30pm. Is Demian still going? Mom still doesn't know for sure, she said she won't know till Tuesday.
Hey Tom, you think I could stay with you in Austin from Dec.17 to Jan. 17th? are you even gonna be in austin or are you going to laredo for the majority of that break? let me know, i would rather spend my break in austin than laredo you know, i need nature and diversity and i can't get that in laredo. maybe i could find a seasonal job in austin too, either way tell me your thoughts. Peace! |
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Nov. 15th, 2005 @ 10:10 pm
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i have to write a paper on the black death, anyone have any interesting views? |
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Nov. 15th, 2005 @ 09:22 pm
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| » holidays |
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holidays are approaching and so are my emotional ups and downs. i don't know if i'm like becoming a struggling artist but i've been doing some weird shit lately. like yesterday, i woke up did my stretches, ate breakfast, and suddenly just had the urge to close all my blinds turn off all the lights and just sit in complete darkness. i was filled with this anxiety, i got angry too and started doing flamenco in the dark. it feels like a dream, but i think it has to do with this weekend. i saw the flamenco company perform and i honestly hated it, hah, i hope none of the members find this. there were a lot of good things and their small shows were alright, but in general i don't want to look like any of them as a dancer. they have no grace or length, they are all super tosca and confined in everything they do, and they tell me that my movement is too fluid...GOOD, i'll make sure to keep it that way. i guess i needed a little venting, i'm experiencing new emotions and the only way i can deal with them is to dance them out. it helps a lot, cause instead of talking back to my teachers or rolling my eyes, i let her know how i feel through her choreography by making it MINE! i'm becoming a bit kooky but i'm inspired and that's all that matters to me right now. this department will soon feel my wrath, mmmwwwaahahaha!!!
Nov. 14th, 2005 @ 06:02 pm
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| » no attatchment to the outcome |
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this past weekend i went up to santa fe on the $2 bus. it was a risk, but it turned out to be an inspiration. 3 lessons: first day i concluded that most of the relationships i have created with csf heads are superficial, so fuck those people, they just party with freshman anyway and pretend to care while i'm in their presence. second day i went with adrienne's ecoversity class up to mountainair and discovered an art space within the natural landscape. i met a revolutionary group of people who are creating a space where any sort of artist can explore a beautiful area and let their inspiration coexist with nature. then the beauty is that there is no attatchment to the outcome, new artists come and start over. third day is the hardest for me to put into words. i performed a piece at adrienne's ecoversity benefit, i dance in a yert(prolly mispelled) for a warm, unique group of people. then we went to a hip hop show at warehouse 21. at first i was really just going because adrienne's new fling was performing. fortunately we missed his act, and strolled in to find 3 mcs and one dj. prolyphic, mestizo, and last but certainly not least, robust. i was feeling the music, ryhmes about education, land rights, greed, poverty. adrienne and i danced and shouted, surrounded by mostly high school and middle schoolers cause it was an all ages no alcohol venue. then qwel strolled up and also kept up with the thought and emotion provoking lyrics. so we went outside after the show and talked with some santa fe locals. adrienne wanted to hang out with her fling and asked me to tag along, wing girl? turns out we're heading out to the hotel that these rappers are staying at, hahaha. i'm no fucking groupie but i expected these dudes to be much more than egotistical raunchy mcs. i was right. we were followed up by high school girls, uh oh, that ad's fling had invited. so in the travelodge sat adrienne, her fling, qwel, prolyphic, robust, jones, their tour manager, and 4 16/17 year old girls dressed in sexy costume outfits. skipping ahead about an hour after we arrived adrienne and i were really hitting it off with the mcs, they were smart, respectful, child-like, and really down to earth. robust took a liking to me and we ended up trying to create our own niche in that room but eventually detached from the group and talked spontaneously words and ideas flowed. i was actually myself, not trying to "get the guy" at all. we hit it off as friends, and then when he sincerely asked if we could cuddle, hahaha, i guess i fell in love. so we cuddled and talked until like 5am. i departed at 7am after 2 hours of sleep. we hugged, no exchange of contact info or anything. and it was beautiful, i won't post everything i learned from this experience because there is too much. Stick Figures(robust and prolyphic) are badass mcs, everyone should check out their stuff,or even robusts solo album.
Nov. 1st, 2005 @ 06:58 pm
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| » brrrrrr |
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i have a fall break, 4 day weekend, and i don't know what to do. i want some sort of spiritual retreat type of experience, but i don't have much money. maybe i should just stay and get a job. santa fe would be cool except adrienne will be up in the ountains with her school. i saw thumbsucker, it was pretty cool, i just wish they made more movies with a female playing the role of the insightful struggling sensitive teenager who is more in control than her parents, it's always a lanky, pale, greasy haired boy, what's up with that? i'm thinking of either working at a resteraunt,bar/nightclub. it's getting cold here, i'm a wuss, i don't know how to work my heater, it's got knobs and pipes, it's a gas heater i guess, can anyone help me, do i need a match or something?
Oct. 10th, 2005 @ 10:24 am
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| » i'm voting! |
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FUCKYA! sorry for eaves dropping into your lj amado, but i'm super psyched that atmosphere is going to santa fe october 27th. i'm so there, last time i saw aatmosphere i was like 13 or 14 years old at south by southwest in austin, i didn't even know who they were, but honestly it was kind of a stupid show i just remember them freestylin over popular hip-hop beats, i'm sure their freestyles were dope i was just too young to get into it. but hell ya, i haven't been up to santa fe in a while, but i miss it. i miss the galleries and the hippied out families who take their kids with them everywhere at any hour. i miss csf parties and even the food in the cafeteria...trust me, my concoctions in the kitchen aren't exactly appetizing, haha. adrienne was here this weekend it was tons of fun, we went to a greek festival, we played hopskotch, we danced, played with my neighbor's kittens. i am in the process of minoring in flamenco and moajoring in sociology, i feel bad cause i keep changing majors, but HEY i have my whole life ahead of me, why should it take me only 4 to 5 years to decide what i'm gonna do the rest of my life. i need more time to explore what's out there, right? adrienne is moving down here next semester to go to unm. so i'm looking for a 2 bdrm house within my leasers, and we want to get a doggie or maybe two dogs so they can play with each other if we're out. i really like albuquerque, there is always a lot of cool, cultural events taking place or good music in small venues. what is it about albuquerque that makes artists pay there respects here so often. i'm finding my true self more and more each day, it's hard though you know, especially with a family as close as mine, finding an identity outside of my family, sociology interests me for that reason. we are products of social location, gender, class, etc. and it's fun to break it down and ask myself why i like pink or why my heart exposes itself whenever i hear flamenco music. psychology has a lot of answers too, but i'm more interested in working with other people towards social change, especially in my generation. i want to scan some pictures soon of my house and my school and me. hugs and kisses to anyone in need!
Oct. 4th, 2005 @ 08:57 am
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| » i love to be loved |
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YAY! I got a job today. I am working for NMPIRG which is a group that is used by greenpeace, sierra club,save children, human rights coalition, and other cool groups working to help our planet. I am starting out as a canvasser, which means i go door to door trying to get donations from people. I needed to fill my time with a purpose, something i care about other than flamenco. Adrienne and i went to solar fiesta yesterday and checked out all the hight tech stuff that is environmentally friendly, they have an electric bike, a solar oven which we ate cookies from, a vegggie oil car, a solar car, and a whole sound system run by solar energy. It was fun, we just goofed around the whole rest of the day. i'm working on getting a bike right now cause walking everywhere really sux, my knees are aching. i got an a- on my first paper of the semester, i have a very easy load this fall as far as papers and written exams. This weekend was a lot of fun, glad my audition is over and done with. On wednesday i'm taking a workshop from a Butoh teacher. Butoh is considered the dance of darkness, interesting. Life is hard for me i think because i really have enjoyed experiences where i have always have people around me in a sort of family i get really sad when i'm alone. The only difference with me now is that i have standards, values, or whatever it's called and i won't hang out with people just so i won't be alone. It's consistently being alone that i hate, hopefully with this job now i'll have more oppurtunities to meet good people and be a part of a community.
Sep. 26th, 2005 @ 06:30 pm
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| » alegrias y penas |
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i have an audition manana, and i'm super nerviosa. they bright side is that i have befriended a flamenco guitarist who looks forward to working with me in the future. what more could a flamenkita ask for? so my dance space in my efficiency is getting properly used now that musicians have entered the picture. adrienne is coming to spend the weekend with me! and a special boy from santa fe who has taught me to be patient is also coming to hang out. he's a gentle character who has lots of scrapes and bruises from riding a skateboard. oklahoma city native, documentary film student, virgo. i don't know, i'm glad he lives in santa fe cause i can't be with someone right now, these spontaneous encounters are exciting, thoughful, and healthy for me. as for this new friend i have,monica, she's got this really competitive edge to her and a lot of times she'll turn things around and get angry or angry's not the word maybe defensive. i don't know, she's cool just not when she gets like that. as for me, i am still in awe at my situation, i am able to live flamenco on a daily basis and it sends these emotions through me that i've never had, some good some bad. sometimes i feel beautiful, powerful other times i feel shooting pains in my feet,knees, back, el dolor! the reason i'm so nervous for the audition tommorrow is cause i'm performing for Eva Encinias, the life and source of flamenco in albuquerque. i want to show her something beautiful, i also want to show her me, but not in anyway that is arrogant? if that makes sense, i love the piece i'm dancing, es un alegria por buleria. i'm so hopeful because i see myself improving, how did i get this privelege? i saw a video of eva yerbabuena, she is my idol. she's fucking amazing, she moves so fluidly and gracefully, and her center is rock solid i mean, wow...no words are good enough. they say she's coming to the festival this summer!!!ahhhhh! i have a ticket to san fran on thanksgiving!!
Sep. 23rd, 2005 @ 04:24 pm
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| » my life in burque |
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i just got out of dance improvisation, a class i don't necessarily look forward to, but in the end always leaves me deep in thought. What is flamenco, who am i, why am i here, why do i dance? a few questions i ask myself atleast once a day. i fall in love with flamenco more each day, it makes me cry, laugh, run, scream, giggle, and shout the words ole! whenever i'm inspired. adrienne came to spend sunday with me and she painted a beautiful picture on te wall of my room. i dictated she drew. it's a flamenco dancer from her hips up and she's completing a turn, then the left half of her is a catrina from day of the dead. it's so beautiful, i love her, both my dancer and adrienne. also tons of fun, saturday night i went to a club with my new friend, Monica. they played mostly techno which i HATE! but something came over me, maybe it was watching Monica dance with no inhibition, i was inspired and i just let go, forgot about how much and why i hated techno and let my body do all the things they won't let me in dance class. so i bounced around, twisted, and laughed at nothing. It was a wonderful release, since i've already established that i will never hook up with a guy at a club, i had no interest in what was going on around me or who was watching. we should do it again sometime. my house is doing wonderful, not much decoration or distraction just the way i like it. i actually think and feel differently when i go without watching for a good while. i stop thinking about britney's baby or paris's body, i think about the weather outside or my neighbors, i think about my classes, and i think a lot about myself, the most complex, controversial issue of all. i know i'ma very private, internal person, sometimes it's a good thing and other times not so much. balance is what i'm living for. it's like i've made all these healthy life changes, but where is happiness, where is it coming from? good grades? impressive footwork? a few really good friends? clear mind? nutritious food? i know where happiness doesn't come from: money, possesions, stupid people around me doing stupid things, junk food, sleeping all day, poisoning my body. i want to be a part of something, i think it will top it off, like sierra club, an organization for youth. nature and children give me a purpose in life. i love dance and it consumes the majority of my time, but i can't give it all because i don't want to burn out. being part of a community that cares about our environment, education, health, and the future is what i really want. i send imaginary hugs and besos to anyone who wants or needs one today.
Sep. 12th, 2005 @ 12:28 pm
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| » updating journal |
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SIN CITY kicks ass!
Demian's in town and we went to see it last night, everything looked so cool.
i haven't been here in a while, i don't know why i guess i just haven't been able to slow down and talk to myself in my journal. abuelito's in the hospital so demian came up from mexico city to kick it for a while. Great, now i've got to run, i finally quit my job at that stupid restaurant! now i'll have more time for dance and more time for me. i'm gonna hit up santa fe in may to see some fools graduate.
Apr. 4th, 2005 @ 12:20 pm
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| » what's the difference between farolitos and luminarios? |
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i'm excited for santa fe next week, i definitely need a break. i enjoy those moments on airplanes where you are alone and in the company of a bunch of random people who randomly come together to travel through the sky.
i'm dating the chef, it's pretty cool, contoversial, but still cool.
it got cold in laredo, weird, yesterday we had the second hottest temp. in the U.S. and today is the coldest day of the season. This town has no consistency or moderation.
i'm not bitching though, i've my mom, canela, a warm bed, a good friend, good food, and a studio to dance in.
i'm pondering whether or not i should go through CSF and say hi to some peeps or just stay off and away in downtown santa fe. people on that campus just ask too many questions when they don't even really care about the answers.
i think this silly patch is making me moody, damn horse hormones!
Nov. 30th, 2004 @ 05:44 pm
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| » chale |
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Nov. 30th, 2004 @ 05:40 pm
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| » i realized that i was being sexist by agreeing only to see a gynocolgist if she was female |
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i'm definitely getting more and more excited about going to see wilson, i don't know, relationships are so weird. it's like a love/hate kind of thing...is that normal?
hah, what a stupid question, there's no such thing as normal especially when it comes to emotions.
i wish i could attatch a few pictures he sent me from brazil, they're cheesy ones of them partying but he's still a cutie.
it's raing and cold here in laredo, but i'm still going bike riding with that dude tommorrow.
hah! i told my dad about it cause he's staying here while mom's out of town and it wasn't as weird as i thought it would be, of course i lied abut his age because pop wouldn't approve of his 19 year old with a 28 year old, i said he was 24.
all he asked was after i told him that this guy was from san antonio he asked if he was anglo.
adrienne is gonna come stay here for her winter break, hopefully she'll follow through on this plan, it would be so great if she came, i could work all day and then come home and fall asleep, haha. nah, i'm sure i'll get up some energy for her stay here.
wow this entry is fixin' to be long.
i wanna go see the new bridget jones.
i've been getting thinner lately, just cause of dance and eating less from being at work, but it's kind of getting to me. you know like i was a little skinny minnie when i was little but when i was growing up and becoming who i am i was curvy, you know i identified as a girl with curves at my waistand thighs similar to my mom, but what if i lose more weight and it'll feel weird and people will look at me different, like i tried to slim down because i have issues with my body. i think i've associated skinny with unhealthy for a long time, maybe it was some type of conditioning i used on myself to feel better about my body living in this society.
maybe my body will balance out eventually, i'm still young and growing. i hope what i was saying makes sense.
"our bodies are just a vehicle transporting our souls it's what inside the people that is beauty to behold."
i like that quote, it was in one of damian marley's songs.
Nov. 14th, 2004 @ 01:05 am
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| » ohhhhh canelaaa, ohhhhh canelaaa |
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i go back to santa fe in one month exactly...oh boy.
a month ago i would have been totally excited, and i sort of am but being away from wilson has just made me realize that being away from him isn't that big of a deal, haha, if that makes sense.
he's just not really the type of guy i see myself with, the sex is great, i think it's the only great thing about our relationship, but it's not enough to keep it going, cause the other parts will never get better. even though he's older than me i feel he's a bit more immature and chiflado, he's also the baby in his family.
at the end of january i go to UNM to audition. i'm excited, a little nervous about the ballet and modern dance portion of the audition, but the flamenco part is what counts the most, and my final piece will be flamenco. i love the dance i'm doing and i've been practicing every day, hahaha, by the time january comes around i'll be sick of it.
my mommy left for mexico today to go visit demian, me and canela miss her already.
this sunday i'm gonna go bike riding with one of the chefs from work, we'll prolly go downtown and then get some lunch. he's alright, i think he's like 27, he's from san antonio, and he trains twice a year for bike racing, i don't know the exact term. his best friend beto is the one i had an eye for, but i think he's got a girlfriend.
what else? i ordered a cute blazer form fredericks of hollywood, it's my new favorite place to shop.
oh my god, canela just scarfed this huge bone i gave her, it's to clean her teeth and stuff cause her breath smells like a hamster cage! yyyuuugggccckkk
Nov. 11th, 2004 @ 03:33 pm
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| » that was fun, a lot more upbeat than what i had intended to post |
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FAVORITES:
1.) favorite physical feature on a girl: smile, hands, breasts
2.) favorite physical feature on a guy: hair, hands, eyes
3.) one person you wish was here right now: edit
4.) favorite author: victor hugo
5.) favorite coffee: sugar free non-fat vanilla latte
6.) favorite smell: the scent of someone i love
7.) favorite way to waste time: sleep
8.) favorite season: spring & summer
9.) favorite color: red
10.) favorite time of day: when i get out of work and get to go dance
LASTS:
1.) last book you read: Bomb the Suburbs
2.) last movie you watched:The Maldonado Miracle
3.) last movie you saw in the theatre: Garden State
4.) last television show watched: Red Sox vs. Yankees final game
5.) last song you heard: More Justice by Damian Marley
6.) last thing you had to drink: chamomile tea
7.) last thing you ate: half of an apple
8.) last time you showered: i just got out of a bath
9.) last time you smiled: at yoga tonight
11.) last person you hugged: mom
12.) last person you danced with: Tom
13.) last person you talked to online: Wilson
14.) last person you talked to on the phone: Adrienne for 2 hours
DO YOU?:
1.) smoke: once in a while
2.) do drugs: not anymore
3.) drink: no
4.) sleep with stuffed animals: yes, a teddy bear my mom got me during my christmas at boarding school.
5.) have a dream that keeps coming back: i used to about freddy krueger
6.) play an instrument: sure
7.) believe there is life on other planets: yes
8.) read the newspaper: yes
9.) have any gay or lesbian friends: yes
10.) believe in miracles: yes
11.) consider police a friend or foe: depends, i consider the border patrol a foe
FEELINGS:
1.) do you have any regrets: only on bad days
2.) i am happiest when: i'm dancing in front of an audience, i'm with my family, i'm playing with canelita, when i get money
3.) i feel lonely: when i can't sleep at night
4.) what makes you mad: lying, lyers, violence, war, politics, the corruption of nature-->"civilization", rape/sexual assault, abuse, greedy rich people, corporations, i could go on and on...
THIS OR THAT:
1.) bath or shower: bath
OTHER STUFF:
1.) what's the craziest thing you have ever done: something very illegal that i regret. but also dropping out of CSF this semester was pretty crazy.
2.) any bad habits: nail biting, shopping
3.) any secret crushes: the head chef at my work
4.) do you think too much: i think at a steady pace, unless it's late at night and i can't sleep, then my thinking goes so fast and eratic that i break a sweat and open my eyes really wide.
Oct. 25th, 2004 @ 11:24 pm
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super_b's journal
